* lawrence and alicia *

Sunday, June 25, 2006

I always hav been a very faithful reader of Singapore Brides forum.. Happen to read a topic that really make me feel a pinch in my heart.. This reader wrote it in her heart & soul.. I feel for her..

It remind me of how badly hurt I was from my previous relationship... becos of that jerk, I m still very suspicious in relationships..

Before I met my husband, I had hurt a guy whom I really regretted hurting.. That time cos I was too blindly in love with that jerk, I chose to patch back with him & dumped that poor guy.. He had done so much for me..

Luckily I woke up & God sent me a even better man... Hence, never NEVER give up if u fall before, cos u learn each time u fall.. & NEVER fall for the trick of guys who lies all the times, if he cheated on u for more than twice, this guy is hopeless..

Well, read on if u got the time cos its a very very long one..

Dear baby,

We have been together for 2.5 years. When my friends called you a jerk and said you are only after a sexual relationship, i defended you cos when i look at you in your eyes, i dont't feel that you are only after sex. I always feel loved when Im with you. Love is blind after all. I refused to believe that you are such a person, but im not so certain of your feelings for me now..

一失足成千古恨， Its really a matter of making the right choice and alot of self controlling, and I made a wrong choice by falling into tempations. If I can go back in time, I wish i had say no to you in the first place.

3 months before (I was) getting married, I got to know you. Before that though we knew each other, we were just hi-bye friends, until your first email came long. Before we knew it, feelings were developed.

You asked me if I can cancel the whole thing becos of you. You said you love me and wish to be with me. You had a girlfriend back then, she was with you for 6 years. You claimed you had no more love for her, its only out of commitment that you are staying with her. And i believed you. But i could not take the risk. We are just starting to get to know each other, I dont't know if your feelings for me are for real, I went ahead with my marriage, i cried so much days before my marriage. I wanted to tell hubby no but i lacked the courage. Worse, I made the wrong move by carrying on with you.

All these while, you keep asking me if ever there will be this day that i will leave him and be with you. I always keep quiet. I wanted so much to say yes, but I was afraid that i would disappoint you. You even asked if it is becos of my status (if i go thru a divorce then I would be a divorcee) that is affecting my decision to be with you. You said you can do the same, you can marry her then go thru divorce. I scolded you for being irrational, i told you i don't want you to hurt her becos of me, I asked you not to harbour such thoughts. You said you will wait for me, no matter how long it will take. You said you will be ready the moment Im ready. I was a fool to believe u.

A year later, you said you have broken up with her. Throughout this period you pamper me like a princess, you showed so much love and concern. I felt guilty towards hubby and also I felt that I was tying you down. Deep inside me, i wished that you can find someone better, someone more worthy of your love becos this isnt fair to you and to hubby. So I started to take you for granted, started to be cold towards you. You sense the change in me, you made an effort to make things better, but i just want to leave you gradually, I thought our feelings for each other would fade away with each day. Slowly, you got immuned to my behaviour, and becos of your work, we had lesser time for each other, we started to cut down on our contacts with each other, we don't tell each other on what we will be doing anymore. I was prepared to leave you, or at least I thought I was ready to leave you. All these while both of us have our fair share of turns initiating a break-up. We tried so many times to leave each other, but always got back again due to lack of determination.

Few months later my 6th sense was telling me something was wrong, so i keep asking you if you had another woman outside. You insisted no. Not wanting to doubt you, i told you if you have another woman, let me know and i will go. You asked me not to be suspicious.

Things had not been going well for us. We were supposed to meet on our 2nd anniversary, but i smsed you to postpone our meet up cos I had something on. Then you called in the afternoon. You said you want to let go. You said you are tired. You said you want to settle down, i said ok, i agreed, and asked you who that girl was. You said its her, your so called ex-gf of 6 years. I asked you when you got back into contact with her, cos you told me you had broken off with her. You said recently. I wished you well, thou deep inside me, i was upset. I was so wrong in thinking that im ready to leave you.

The next morning, i saw that you had sms me a few times. You asked me not to pick up any calls from this particular number. I called and ask you why. And that is when you dealt me with a big blow. You confessed that you have gotten married a few months ago. You did not break up with her at all. All along when I wasnt able to contact you, you were with her.

I was shocked, speechless for words. You had to confess because she will be calling me again, and you don't want her to be the one to inform me about your marriage. You said she peeped at your hp and saw my number. True enough, she called an questioned my why I keep calling you. She said she is your wife, and she wants to know our relationship. Do you know I had to hold back my tears to assure her that were were just closed friends? Do you also know that I have actually wanted to leave my hubby for you? You made so much promises, in the end you broke them one by one.

I asked you why, i want to know why you lie. You keep saying you dont know. For a whole year I thought I was the only woman in your life, little did i know you were fooling me all this while. She is still there, and has became your wife. We were so happily celebrating your birthday last year at Ritz, little did i know its also the time that you were busy preparing for your marriage. Its really retribution, I treated hubby this way, and now i got the same treatment from you.

Its my turn to ask you if you can leave her. You said no. You said u felt a sense of responsibility towards her, and at the time you married her, there is love for her. So much of when im ready, you'll be ready. So much of waiting for me no matter how long it takes. I cried so much, but i couldnt bring myself to leave you. The hurt comes not so much of your marriage with her, but from your lies. You lied to me for a whole year. If you had not led me into believing that you had left her, i would have wished you well in your marriage with her, thats the truth. I could not accept the fact that you claimed so much of loving me and want me to be truthful to you but all along, you had been lying to me.

My heart aches when I saw your marriage photos, you were so happy, so genuinely happy. Too late to realise that you meant alot to me. But I hanged on. Dumb. Things changes after your marriage, I saw your growing responsibility towards her. She became your top priority, I saw the love for her grows. I felt sored, i felt hurt. You have stopped doing the things that you did in the past, you stopped msging me when you are at home, you keep saying you were busy. I hardly get any calls from you.. I cried myself to sleep everyday, and I had to put up a false front in front of hubby. I hated myself for making my life into such a mess.

And when I told you Im pregnant and force you to make a choice, you chose her. I was shattered. You always claimed that you love and wanted to be with me most, and you said you want a bb with me. We used to day dream about our future together, how many kids we gonna have, where we will be going for our honeymoon. It really hurts to know that all these are just mere talks by you. You wanted me to go for an abortion. I was angry, I asked you why she is so darn important to you, such that you can give us up without the need for consideration. You asked me not to force you. Eventually you couldnt take it and blurted out that she too aborted your child when you just started out on your career. You said you owed it to her. You said both of you made a vow not to bring this incident up again. I asked you how about me? You said you were sorry and that you owed me for life. This is not what I want.

Anyone in the right sense would leave you straight away. Something must be wrong with me, darn wrong with me. Why did i persist? Why couldnt i bring myself to leave you? I know you wont ever leave her for me. Why didnt i let go? You were just so important. Did not realise that by hanging on would only inflict more pain and hurt to myself. And all these while, hubby was being kept in the dark. I felt like a bitch. I have a wonderful hubby, but here i was degrading myself, lowering my self-esteem becos of you.

Days were hard to pass since the day I get to know of your marriage. I cried everyday, from the understanding gf, I became paranoid, i became demanding. I started to get on your nerves by bothering you with my never ending questions.

2 weeks ago, after much struggle, I finally made up my mind to leave you. I cannot stand the way you are treating me. I wrote you a 5-pages letter to tell you i want to let go. It was an emotional drain on me and I could not manage the pain. I told you im sinking into depression. I would cry everytime I think of you. I want you to know how i felt. I even printed out the stories of ppl in this forum so that you can know what Im going thru. U apologised, you said you want to start afresh, you asked me to give you another chance. You said you will spend more time with me, to make-up to me. I asked you what good will it do us to stay in this way, I asked you why cant you leave me. You said you really love me, just that at this moment, you are not prepared to leave her yet. All these while you had been lying to me, you said you will change and promise not to lie again. I was made into believing you once more.

In just 2 week's time you lied again. You told me you need to go for training and the reception was bad over there. You said you might not be able to call and sms me so often. My intuition told me you are going for holiday with her, and i asked you so. I already told you i just want the truth, i told you i will get very angry if I discover the truth myself. To assure me, you said I can safe keep your passport. Silly of me to say not necessary.

Hurts to know that you really lied. You swear and promise so much till it has become a habit. All these swearing and promising has no meaning on you. Don't you know that I just want you to be truthful? I wont be stopping you from going on a tour with her. Does it costs you so much to tell the truth? And u can even flare up at me for doubting you. Yes, Im stupid, but Im still capable of finding out the truth. I felt like a fool, here I am worry for you and there you are holding her hands roaming the streets happily.

Time to let go, I don't wan to live in your lies anymore. I want to go back to be the jovial pax before i get to know you. I hated myself so much now. I have been hurt in my past relationships, but not as bad as this one. I know i deserved it. I will stop dreaming about you and our future, all the lovely things about you have vanished last week. Its time to wake up. From today onwards, I will give all my love and attn to my hubby. Becos of you, I have started to appreciate him more. Our relationship has been improving cos' he is now able to spend more time with me. Be true to her, that is the last i ask of you. Dont make the same mistake again. She is your choice, treasure her well. Love her well. For me, I dont ever want to be invloved with you again. I think I deserved a better life.

For those who are somehow in the same situation as me, please wake up soon. Its really not worth it. Guys will always go back to their wives, while woman will be silly enough to be willing to give up our own happiness for them. You definitely deserve someone better. Please find the strength to leave them. It took me 2.5 years to wake up, after so much of hurt and pain. I hope it will be shorter for those who are caught in such a relationship.

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Lawrence and Alicia winks
at |9:59 PM|

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